Oh God Not Again Chapter 1

Jesse Lee

I've decided to join these other mofos in this shite, and what better fashion than to read fanfiction that's hilarious?

Anywho, bullethead, add together this to the pile.

So, let'southward begin with Oh God Not Again, by Sarah1281.

Note: Please be enlightened that this is a parody. I know that this may seem redundant as that is fabricated clear as it is labeled 'parody' in the genre department at the top simply some people do not look at that apparently and I have gotten quite a few reviews from people who thought it was too over-the-superlative to enjoy until they noticed that it was a parody. If you are 1 of those people and so be sure to be aware of this now: THIS IS A PARODY.

It'due south a sad state of affairs when this has to be written. Truly sad.

Also, this story had at to the lowest degree twenty capacity published earlier 'A Very Potter Musical' even came out. I didn't fifty-fifty hear of information technology, permit alone SEE it until subsequently this story was completed. Delight keep that in listen when wondering if the 'references' to the musical are intentional.

That'southward okay, I've just seen a few episodes myself, and I didn't know what the fuck that was about. Maybe I just don't find it funny or something else cursing.

He'd been dreaming of it since the defeat of Voldemort. The Veil, that is. The i that Sirius had fallen backside. The last time he'd dreamed well-nigh the Department of Mysteries, Sirius had died. The earth had also finally woken up to the truth about Voldemort, only the price had been also high for him to be grateful. And once the truth was out, the attacks had gotten worse.
He wondered, briefly, why he was there. Ginny was at home, she was meaning, she needed him. Yet he could not seem to stay abroad. Voldemort was gone, true. But then, so were then many other people, adept people, who should not have died.

He counted the steps until he was standing right in front of where Sirius had fallen through. Cedric. Sirius. Dumbledore. Hedwig. Moody. Dobby. Tonks male parent. Remus. Colin Creevy. Tonks. Snape. Fred. Hell, even Crabbe didn't deserve to die then. There were more, many more, but none of them close to him. They were close to somebody, though. Maybe that was why he couldn't stay away. Why he couldn't look away. Why, even at that very moment, he couldn't walk away.

Well, this is lamentable. Perchance it's a malaise fic?

Harry awoke with a beginning. He was lying on a floor, covered past a poor excuse for a blanket, and someone appeared to exist attempting to intermission the door downward.
"Where'due south the cannon?" Dudley asked. Dudley? Where had the Veil sent him? Could this be when Hagrid get-go told him most Hogwarts? It must be, because he couldn't recall any other time where he and Dudley had been sleeping in what appeared to be a shack.

In that location was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room, holding a rifle. Harry snorted. Like that would exercise any good against HAGRID. His uncle didn't seem to know that, though, and shouted "Who's there? I warn y'all-I'm armed!"

And now we're back at the showtime. So it'due south a time travel story?

Although it did occur to Harry that when people were trying to intermission in, it can more often than not exist assumed that they are probably armed as well. And as if they didn't know that a sorcerer had come up for Harry. Who else COULD even get across in this weather condition, not to mention who else would fifty-fifty bother?
SMASH! The door flew clean off its hinges and landed on the floor with a thunderous crash. Hagrid stood in the doorway, looking very impressive.

Now, Harry hadn't exactly planned this, only he figured that he might as well make the best of it. Things hadn't exactly turned out terribly when he had taken downwards Voldemort, simply they too hadn't been all that great. Perchance he was getting a second run a risk. And if that was the case, there was no manner in hell he wasn't going to take information technology.

Ah, a Peggy Sue story. Well, let's see how he fixes the story.

"Couldn't make a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey…" Hagrid began. And completely ruined his frightening showtime impression. He strode over to the sofa where Dudley sat, petrified. "Budge upward, yeh bang-up lump," he told him, watching every bit Dudley ran to go hide behind his mother, who was in turn hiding behind her hubby. "An' here's Harry! Las' time I saw you lot, you was but a baby. Yeh look a lot like yeh dad, buy yeh've got yer mum'south optics."
"I demand that yous leave at one time, sir!" Uncle Vernon demanded, making a funny rasping racket. "You are breaking and entering!"

"Ah, shut upwardly, Dursley, yeh great prune." Harry grinned. He had been much too confused to enjoy Hagrid's exact throw down of his Uncle the last time around. When Hagrid reached over and turned the gun into a pretzel, Harry's grin only grew wider.

Or you could use the opportunity to insult the fat bastard that we all hated the virtually until Umbitch comes into the story.

Yep. This is going to be like the Infinite Loops, expect it's a ane time bargain, and information technology'south a billion times better*.

"Anyway," Hagrid said, turning his attention back to Harry as though people regularly went around turning deadly weapons into the shapes of tasty snack food. "Harry-a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here-I mighta sat on information technology at some point, but it'll taste all right." He pulled out a cake that said 'Happy Altogether Harry' written on information technology in green icing.
"Why, thanks," Harry said gratefully, accepting the cake. He did wish, though, that Hagrid hadn't used a Slytherin color, fifty-fifty if it did match his optics. "Y'all seem to know me, but if, as you said, we haven't seen each other since I was a baby, perhaps you could be so kind as to introduce yourself?" Harry asked politely.

Hagrid chuckled. "O' class, o' grade. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts." And with that, he shook Harry'due south arm up and down. "What nearly that tea and so, eh? I'd not say no ter summat potent if yeh've got information technology, mind."

"I'm sad, we left in rather a bustle, then we don't have annihilation to drink," Harry said apologetically.

"S'alright, I've got summat hither." Hagrid said, turning towards the fireplace and then dorsum once he got a roaring fire going. He so proceeded to pull a practiced dozen or so things out of his coat pockets.

Uncle Vernon said sharply, "Don't bear on annihilation he gives you, Dudley."

Hagrid chuckled darkly. "Yer dandy puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' whatsoever more than, Dursley, don' worry."

Fire. Fat jokes.

Hagrid passed Harry the sausages and he thanked him cordially for his thoughtfulness, and so decided that it would be suspicious to just have this and then asked Hagrid for more details.
"Phone call me Hagrid, everyone does. An' like I told yeh, I'1000 Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts - yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course."

Harry nodded. "Of course."

Uncle Vernon's optics bulged. "YOU Do?"

"Yep," Harry answered calmly.

He likewise has married a witch who is ginger, killed a nighttime lord named Tom, killed a large ass snake, and became the equivalent of a magician chief of police.

Meanwhile, I'yard shocked that the Americans take more fascist wizards than England, though those wizards were from the twenty's... Huh.

"But how? We were ever so conscientious not to permit you go any dangerous ideas! How'd yous hear about all this wizarding nonsense?"
"At present wait jus' one second!" Hagrid thundered, leaping to his feet. In his anger he seemed to fill the whole hut. The Dursleys cowered confronting the wall. "Practise you hateful ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that you told this male child - this boy - nothin' abou' - about ANYTHING?"

"No," Harry said, shaking his head ruefully. "They didn't."

Hagrid looked as if he was about to explode.

"DURSLEY!" he boomed.

Uncle Vernon, who had gone very pale, whispered something that sounded like 'Mimblewimble'.

Information technology was at the moment that Vernon Dursley knew, he fucked up.

Okay, so here'south the vibes I'm getting.

Harry's depressed equally fuck, and suddenly goes dorsum in time, and begins to dick around?

...You know what, I'd do that too.

"But-only if Daddy didn't tell Harry anything, how does he know?" Dudley asked, speaking upwardly for the first time from backside his mother.
Hagrid looked expectantly at Harry.

"Fair signal," Harry admitted. "Well, it's just that people accept spent the final ten years following me effectually and shaking my hand and bowing to me, generally just appearing very honored to meet me and eventually you pick some things up."

"'s not enough to 'pick sparse'south upwardly,' Harry. You've got to know."

"But I practise know," Harry countered. "About Hogwarts, about my parents, about Voldemort…"

Hagrid shuddered. "Don' say tha' name!"

I get the feeling that Harry's going to say things only to screw effectually with people.

Harry shrugged. "Old habits die hard. Although if I e'er go camping ground again, I'll make sure to take your communication. Well, volition be heading to Diagon Aisle tomorrow?"
"O' course," Hagrid nodded.

Okay, I call bullshit on Harry'southward word that he won't say Voldemort'due south name. He literally realized that the Dark Lord was but whiny bitch.

"I AM Not PAYING FOR SOME Beatnik Onetime FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon.
Harry might have known Uncle Vernon would insist on provoking Hagrid. Quick as a flash, he'd brought his umbrella, containing the pieces of his wand, swishing downwardly through the air to indicate at Dudley.

A wink of violet calorie-free, loud nail, and pig bleat later, Dudley was dancing on the spot with his hands clasped over his fat bottom, howling in hurting. When he turned around, Harry could see the curly pig'southward tail poking a hole through the back of his pants.

Uncle Vernon roared. Pulling Aunt Petunia and Dudley into the other room, he cast one last terrified look at Hagrid and slammed the door behind them.

Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and stroked his beard.

"Shouldn'ta lost me temper," he said ruefully, "but it didn't piece of work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a grunter, but I suppose he was then much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do."

Did I mention fat jokes yet? Likewise, Vernon, you impaired fuck.

He cast a sideways expect at Harry nether his bushy eyebrows.
"Be grateful if yeh didn't mention that ter anyone at Hogwarts," he said. "I'm - er - non supposed ter do magic, strictly speakin'. I was immune ter practise a flake ter follow yeh an' become yer letters to yeh an' stuff - one o' the reasons I was then smashing ter take on the job -"

"Of course not," Harry assured him. "It's getting late, and so we should probably turn in."

"Right you are, Harry," Hagrid agreed. "We've got lots ter do tomorrow. Gotta become up ter town, get al yer books and all that." He took off his thick black glaze and threw it to Harry. "You lot can kip under that," he said. "Don't' listen if it wriggles a fleck, I call back I still got a couple o' dormice in one o' the pockets."

Nothing to say. Moving on.

Harry woke early on the next morning. Although he could tell it was daylight, he kept his eyes shut tight.
It was a dream, he told himself firmly. I dreamt I was back to when Hagrid came to tell me I was going to a Hogwarts. When I open up my eyes I'll exist at home with Ginny.

There was of a sudden a loud tapping dissonance.

And there's Hedwig Jr. knocking on the window, Harry idea, relieved, even so not getting upwards.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"All right," Harry mumbled, "I'm getting upwardly."

So was this just a desire of Harry?

He sat up and Hagrid's heavy coat vicious off him.
The hut was full of sunlight, the storm was over, Hagrid himself was comatose on the collapsed sofa and at that place was an owl rapping its claw on the window, a newspaper held in its nib.

Harry's heart sank. It hadn't been a dream subsequently all. He quickly paid the owl and handed the Daily Prophet to Hagrid. He then listened patiently as the half-giant explained to him about Gringotts. Then they got into the Dursley'due south gunkhole and headed off towards London and Diagon Alley.

Yeesh, that's kinda distressing. I wonder how Harry's going to-

Leaving the Dursley's to fend for themselves. Realized Harry with malicious glee. He knew they'd get home before he would and as well, it really served them right.

Or you could exist like that.

All too soon they were in the Leaky Cauldron. As before, everyone was very eager to milk shake his hand.
Eventually, a pale boyfriend made his way to Harry, his left eye twitching something terrible.

"Professor Quirrell!" said Hagrid. "Harry, Professor Quirrell will exist one of your teachers at Hogwarts."

"P-P-Potter," stammered Professor Quirrell, grasping Harry's hand, "c-can't t-tell you how p-pleased I am to run across you lot."

Nervous wreck, meet time traveling potential sociopath. Time traveling potential sociopath, meet nervous wreck.

Harry briefly wondered how he could stand touching him, but realized he must not take been possessed yet. Probably wouldn't be until he failed to secure the stone. He also wondered why in the world he felt the need to stutter the whole twelvemonth. He could appear perfectly innocent (peculiarly compared to the likes of Severus Snape) just fine without it, and quite frankly it was abrasive. Also, co-ordinate to Snape's retentivity, Dumbledore had been onto Quirrell from the start.
He supposed that Hagrid neglected to mention that this was Quirrell'due south commencement year pedagogy so as non to freak him out with the DADA job curse. He decided to bring that up.

"So how long have you been teaching?" he inquired.

"W-w-well, actually, thursday-this is m-thou-my f-first year, but I'm 5-very excited," Quirrell said, looking a fleck sheepish.

Aye. The excitement is so palpable, it wraps around to nervousness.

"What subject do you teach?" Harry asked, knowing the respond perfectly well, but that was just the sort of question people asked their futurity teachers.
"D-Defense Against the D-D-Dark Arts," muttered Professor Quirrell, every bit though he'd rather non think about it.

Yes, Quirrell, and his main, Voldemort, would probably be MUCH happier without such pesky things as defenses confronting the Dark Arts existence taught.

Unfortunately, Harry turns into a prodigy, and he'll eventually Smack a Bitch Up.

"N-not that y'all northward-need it, eh, P-P-Potter?" he laughed nervously. "Yous'll be g-getting all your equipment, I suppose? I've m-got to p-pick up a new b-book on vampires, m-myself." He looked terrified at the very thought. Harry marveled when he idea nearly the fact that this was the very first person he could remember trying to kill him.
The other patrons of the bar quickly interrupted and it took about ten minutes for Hagrid to extricate Harry from his throng of admirers.

Things progressed pretty much the same from then on, until information technology was time to go to Madam Malkin's to become his uniform.

When Harry went inside, he froze. He'd most forgotten about his beginning meeting with Draco Malfoy, here before either of them knew annihilation virtually the path that was chosen for the other. Because they were archrivals. Before he constitute out that Draco, though undoubtedly unpleasant, wasn't evil and had more-or-less redeemed himself.

So what will Harry practice? Make best buddies with him? Treat him with no contempt? Play nice?

Hm, Harry thought. Could be fun.
"Hello," said Draco. "Hogwarts, too?"

"Yes," Harry nodded.

"My father's adjacent door buying my books and female parent's up the street looking at wands," said Malfoy. He had the same bored, drawling vox at xi as he did at xx-three.

"Not much point of that until y'all become there, though, right?" Harry asked.

"True, but she needs something to practice while I'k in here. Afterward that I'm going to drag them off to look at racing brooms. I don't come across why commencement-years can't accept their own. I think I'll corking father into getting me one and I'll smuggle it in somehow."

"They probably won't check the baggage, so if you but compress it, you tin can carry it in and so unshrink it one time you're at that place. Of course, you'd take to claim it belonged to an older student if anyone asked, only that shouldn't be too hard," Harry suggested.

Draco looked at Harry approvingly. "That just might work. I'd have to acquire how to unshrink things, but until then I could get an older educatee to do that, as well. Say, accept y'all got your own broom?"

"Not at the moment," Harry answered, noncommittally.

"Play Quidditch at all?"

"Of course, I'm seeker. You lot?"

"Aforementioned. Father says it's a offense if I'yard not picked to play for my house, and I must say, I concord. Know what firm you lot'll be in nonetheless?"

"I call up I'd like to be in Gryffindor. I hear they have the best parties."

"Well, that's okay, if you're into that sort of thing. I'k going to exist in Slytherin, all our family has been at that place-"

"Well, that's okay, if you're into that sort of thing," Harry interrupted and he could've sworn he say Draco's mouth twitch upward.

He's really doing information technology.

"Imagine being in Hufflepuff, I call up I'd go out, wouldn't you?"
"Well, maybe non LEAVE…that's a bit drastic, simply I'd definitely defect. I mean, Hufflepuff sounds like a brand of marshmallows or pillows or something."

This fourth dimension he knew he wasn't imagining it. Draco Malfoy, fighting a smiling because of something he, Harry Potter, had said. He never thought he'd run into the day! This actually was sort of fun. Why weren't they friends again?

Because Draco's a dickhead? An ass?

"I say, look at that man!" Harry turned to where Draco was pointing and saw Hagrid standing outside the window, grinning at Harry and pointing to 2 big water ice-creams to show that he couldn't come up in.
"That's Hagrid. He works at Hogwarts."

"Oh, I've heard of him. He's sort of a servant, isn't he?" Oh. That'southward why.

"He's the gamekeeper."

"Yes, exactly," Draco nodded impatiently.

"No, not exactly, at that place's a divergence between a gamekeeper and a servant. Maybe non a profound difference, but information technology'd definitely something that whatsoever Manor Lord should know," Harry said, knowing full well that Draco would inherit Malfoy Manor someday. He was pleased to note Draco's ears were pink.

"I heard he'southward a sort of brutal-lives in a hut in the school grounds and every now and so he gets drunk, tries to practise magic and ends up setting burn down to his bed."

Well, I don't remember a time he got drunk, I think. I practice know that he hatches a dragon and is crap at baking.

"Well," Harry said, remembering how Hagrid had carried him back to Hogwarts when Voldemort had almost killed him and struggling to keep his atmosphere. "I'd wager a gauge that it'southward a bit difficult to do magic when drunk under the best of circumstances. And non everyone can alive in Manors. If they did, and so it wouldn't be and then special, now would information technology, and people would take to find new ways to flaunt their wealth."
Draco nodded, considering. "You're right, I never thought I'd say this, only the Hagrid's of the earth are needed to contrast with the right sort of people." At present, Harry knew exactly what he meant by 'the right sort of people,' merely pretended he didn't to avoid a scene. "Hey, is he with you lot?"

"Yes," Harry said simply.

"Why? Where are your parents?"

"Godric's Hollow."

"Why didn't they come with yous, then?" Draco pressed.

"Well, they would accept, but Voldemort killed them, meet," Harry explained.

I knew it! I called bullshit and I knew information technology!

Draco'southward eyes widened. "You said the Dark Lord'southward name!"
Harry nodded. "Yes. Yes I did."

Draco didn't seem to be able to call back of anything to say to that, and so instead he asked, "But they were our kind, weren't they?"

Harry fought the urge to ringlet his eyes. "If they weren't, why would Voldemort bother with them personally? He was rather busy and of import near the end, or so I hear, and had other people to kill Muggles for him."

"I really don't think they should let Muggleborns in, practise yous? They're just non the same; they've never been brought up to know our means. Some of them take never even heard of Hogwarts until they get the letter, imagine."

"Well, I don't think it's non having heard of Hogwarts that should concern you, per say, every bit much as they haven't heard about magic or know anything near our civilization," Harry said, not really answering the question.

"Yeah, that's exactly why I recollect they should keep information technology in the old wizarding families. What's your final proper noun, anyhow?"

Before Harry could reply, Madam Malkins said, "That'southward you done my love." Harry briefly wondered why he was done get-go when he had come up in after Draco, but decided not to dwell on it.

"Well, I'll see yous at Hogwarts, I suppose," Draco said.

"Later. See if yous tin guess my last name by then and tell me on the train."

"I will," Draco said, all of a sudden adamant.

Well, guess he'due south got a mystery to solve.

Before long subsequently that, Harry and Hagrid had purchased all of Harry'southward supplies and he was back with the Dursley'south. The last calendar month wasn't and so bad. His Aunt and Uncle mostly ignored him and Dudley ran from the room screaming when he saw him. It wasn't so bad, really, equally he had had enough of experience with people ignoring and/or fearing him in his first year, second year, fourth twelvemonth, and 5th year for getting defenseless afterward getting rid of Norbert, beingness a Parselmouth, beingness the fourth champion, and being a lying schizophrenic, respectively.
Ane thing he did practice was make certain he memorized his potion's textbook. He was not taking Whatsoever chances there. Snape may have loved his mother, merely he sure every bit hell hated him until he died.

On the last day of August, Harry went down to the living room and cleared his throat, watching with some amusement as Dudley screamed and ran from the room. Harry supposed that that was what happened when Dudley's parents encouraged him to make Harry's life miserable and kept him in the nighttime about Harry having magical powers. "Um-Uncle Vernon?"

Uncle Vernon grunted to testify he was listening.

"I need to be at Rex's Cross tomorrow to go to Hogwarts." Some other grunt. "Would information technology be alright if you lot gave me a lift?" Grunt. "Thanks."

"Funny way to become to a wizards' school, the train. Magic carpets all got punctures, have they?"

"No, but they're illegal in Britain, and I doubtfulness they'd trust us to go direct to schoolhouse and not let ourselves be seen if we each had ane. Non to mention how expensive it would be…"

Goddamn bureaucrats, ruining our fun! If we were in America, nosotros'd have those carpets and we'd make asses of ourselves.

Merely then again, American wizards are fascists.

"Where is this schoolhouse, anyway?"
"Scotland," Harry replied.

"Tin y'all be any more specific?" Uncle Vernon asked.

"Planning on coming upward for Family Day?"

Aunt Petunia looked horrified. "They have Family Day now?"

"All correct, we'll take you to King'due south Cross. Nosotros're going up to London tomorrow anyway, or I wouldn't bother."

"Great," Harry said and left. To retrieve-only one more 24-hour interval and he'd be back at Hogwarts. And…he'd get to see Ginny, too, if only briefly.

Yes, things might just work out after all, if he could keep his temper this time effectually and non amerce the press and the Ministry.

Oh male child. This was going to be a LONG vii years.

You have no idea Harry.

Annotation: While Harry does, in fact, miss his wife he's non going to start lusting after a 10-year-quondam and then please no preemptive accusations of me being a hypocrite considering my profile mentions I view that as pedophilia. IT'S NOT IN THE STORY.

Preemptively stopping the whiners just works when they're not stupid, Sarah1281.

And and then, we've fabricated information technology to the end of Chapter 1.

*=I write for that fic, btw.

Lord Chimera

I have read this one for laughs. No slashes or mpregs and so it is a good read in my stance. At least information technology's better than that the Fic-That-Must-Non-Exist-Named.

Bork Laser

Fic-That-Must-Non-Be-Named.

What? My Immortal or HP:MOR?

Oh God Non Once again! is a perfectly good one-time read scissure RP for me. It doesn't have the allure of Harry Potter and the Endless Nighttime but even so is a good read. I wouldn't put in the effort of reading information technology once again, though.

Lord Chimera

What? My Immortal or HP:MOR?

The latter is what I'm referring to...

Jcogginsa

Always loved this story. Looking forward to reading information technology once more, with your commentary

Aehriman

Thought it was a different fic. Huh.

Well, I'thou not super-entertained by people reciting the canon dialogue even when Harry takes the conversation into a completely dissimilar direction. Why would even an eleven year onetime Draco segue correct into pureblood supremacy later on being told Harry's parents were killed by Voldemort? Or not enquire for his name when Harry became an agile participant as opposed to canon?

Jesse Lee

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND nosotros're back!

Sad for taking so long, life happened.

Anyway.

Disclaimer: I practice not ain Harry Potter. In instance anyone was living under a stone.

As snarky every bit a Potterverse can exist.

Notation: I'm a fleck concerned that I made Fred and George seem too gullible hither, but I think they'd view Harry as an 'ickle firstie' who couldn't possibly be trying to pull 1 over on them. Not to mention its some juicy gossip.

It's Fred and George. They're easy to write as characters.

You know, with the current tone, I tin can't help but think about them existence major characters due to reasons.

Other Annotation: And has anyone ever wondered why exactly the Weasley'southward don't talk to their auditor relative?

I am uncomfortable.

"Well, there you are, boy," Uncle Vernon said, a nasty smiling on his face. "Platform ix-platform ten. Your platform should be somewhere in the eye, just they don't seem to have built it yet, practise they?"
Harry rolled his eyes. "Yous're some kind of moron, you know that? And no, I wouldn't recommend trying anything in front of all these witnesses," Harry said casually every bit he watched his Uncle'south face up begin to purple. He figured he was reasonably prophylactic saying anything he wanted to him seeing as how he wouldn't run across him for nine whole months. "Of grade they don't have the platform exist obvious; it'due south a train for magician children with wizard items that would attract far as well much attention."

"Then where is it, boy?" Vernon spat.

"You merely walk correct through the portal. I know it looks similar a brick wall, only I assure you information technology's not. How is that possible, you ask? MAGIC. In fact, you lot can come with me, if you like, and see it for yourself," Harry suggested.

Uncle Vernon looked like he was about to lunge at Harry, but Harry only nodded towards the local constable who was standing non twenty anxiety away and Uncle Vernon reluctantly backed down. "Y'all'll pay for that, boy," he whispered menacingly and then walked dorsum to his auto. As they collection abroad, Harry saw Dudley and Aunt Petunia laughing; clearly his Uncle had lied about the encounter.

Sassy Harry Potter vs. Vernon. Potter wins.

Now, Harry was fully aware of the fact that antagonizing his Uncle was probably not the all-time plan, but he had stood up to people a hundred times more than intimidating than the likes of Vernon Dursely and so he wasn't about to just cower as he would have when he was really eleven. Harry could basically write off whatsoever chance off improving relations with his Uncle, but the residue of his family were a different story.
He knew that his Aunt Petunia had once loved her sis and was more scared of what Harry's presence would mean in terms of her family's safe and jealous that Lily had always been the favorite. More than than fifteen years of resentment would be hard to overcome, but Harry had e'er hated summer and the fact that he never had anything to do, so he may likewise try that. Dudley was some other artery that Harry could pursue. Granted at this point in fourth dimension he was picayune more than a spoiled peachy, but he did eventually come to accept Harry subsequently the Dementor incident. He wasn't quite sure how he could speed up a reconciliation with Dudley, only it might be worth looking into. It would definitely brand life at Privet Drive more than peaceful, that was for sure.

And I'm fairly sure that after some time, Harry won't be treated like shit.

"-packed with Muggles, of grade-"

Oh? Who'due south this?

Harry looked up abruptly equally he heard Mrs. Weasley's vocalisation. He quickly hurried afterwards them.

Oh hey, the Weasleys.

"Now, what's the platform number?" Molly asked. Harry wondered briefly how in the world she managed to forget the platform number since she'd been doing this for God knows how many years.
"Ix and 3-quarters!" Ginny piped upwards. "Mum, tin't I go…" Harry couldn't help but grin. While they were both currently way too young for him to be having any romantic thoughts about her, she was yet a cute kid.

When all the Hogwarts-bound Weasley's save Ron had gone through, Harry approached them.

"Excuse me," Harry said.

"Howdy, dear. First time at Hogwarts? Ron's new, too," Molly said kindly.

"Yep," Harry nodded earlier turning to Ron. "Howdy, my name's Harry Potter."

As he predictable, the reaction was immediate. Ron's eyes immediately flew to his brow and Ginny started squealing. Well, at least this way she wouldn't complain about not seeing him, though watching the dear of his life human activity like a fangirl was somewhat irritating.

"Are yous really?" Ron asked.

"Are you really Ron?" Harry asked.

"Of course I am," Ron said, looking confused. "Why wouldn't I exist?"

"I could say the same to y'all," Harry replied.

"Just…but I tin can't believe that you'd exist Harry Potter!"

Harry shrugged. "Well, I suppose someone has to be, right?" he said, casually brushing his hair out of his eyes and revealing the most famous scar in the history of magic. "And so anyway, I was wondering if you could assist me find the platform?" he asked, turning back to Mrs. Weasley.

Are y'all certain that Joss Weddon isn't involved here?

Mrs. Weasley, whose eyes had filled with tears upon finding out who Harry was (probably considering such a polite boy had had such a tragic life and at such a young historic period, besides), nodded. "Of course, love. All y'all have to practise is walk straight at the barrier between platforms nine and 10. Don't cease and don't exist scared y'all'll crash into information technology, that's very important. Best do it at a bit of a run if you're nervous. Go along, get at present before Ron."
Harry thanked her for her assistance and walked through the platform. Harry looked around, grinning a piffling at the sight of everyone so much younger than the final fourth dimension he saw them.

Suddenly, one of the Weasley twins approached him. "Desire a hand?" he asked. Unfortunately, Harry had no idea which one information technology was, every bit he had never been able to tell them apart to begin with and George had lost his ear the summer after his sixth year and then Fred had died and so he never actually got an opportunity, even after he had married into the family.

"Thanks," Harry replied.

"Oy, Fred! C'mere and aid!" Okay, now Harry was reasonably sure that Fred was the ane who had approached him. After all, the twins never actually referred to themselves by their proper names, every bit evidently that was for 'lesser pranksters.'

And the Twins are here, and their quirk this fanfic is that they switch names.

One time the twins helped him, he again brushed his hair out of his optics, this fourth dimension more because the effort of lifting his school trunks (he should probably put a charm on it to lighten it) than because he had any neat need to reveal himself to people who would hear him announced to everybody at his sorting soon enough. It was foreign, though, to see George with two ears again. To see Fred ALIVE again. His middle constricted briefly and he tried to imagine how it'd exist to run across some of the other people he'd lost. Especially Sirius, who was still in Azkaban.

Geez, remind me of all of that again. -_-

"What's that?" George asked. At present that Harry had a good idea as to which one had showtime approached him, he knew that he'd be able to tell them apart—at least until they left his line of sight. Apparently Bill was the only one who had been consistently able to tell them apart, hence he was their favorite sibling. Well, Beak and Percy, but the latter was far too uptight to always be idolized by the Weasley twins.
"Blimey," said Fred. "Are you-?"

"He is," George confirmed. Harry couldn't help simply notice how surreal information technology was that the Weasley twins were, for once, NOT finishing each other'south sentences. Hm. No thing how well they knew each other, that must exist pretty hard. Were they Legilimens? "Aren't you?"

"Well, I'm seriously confused, if that's what you lot hateful," Harry told them.

And I'm seriously wondering what kind of prank the twins will endeavor.

"Harry Potter," chorused the twins.
"Nope," Harry said cheerfully.

"You're not?" Fred asked, bemused.

"No, I'm not. Have you always met him?" Harry asked.

"Well, no, but-" George began.

"And then what makes y'all think I'k him?" Harry demanded.

"Well, you've got a scar," Fred offered.

"Then does Dumbledore, are y'all going to go accusing him of being Potter side by side?"

Oh my God, Harry, who are you going to try and impersonate?

"Of course not!" George said, looking thoughtful. "Filch, on the other hand…"
"And then who are you then, if you're not Harry Potter?" Fred asked skeptically. "And why do y'all have a lightning bolt scar on your forehead?"

"Well, subsequently that nasty footling incident with the Dark Lord, my mother decided that lightning commodities scars were 'in' and shot a cutting curse at me." Harry paused. "At to the lowest degree, that's the official story. I think that was before my father had the backbone to be cut off for three months by telling her that peradventure she should leave the cooking to the house elves." Fred and George merely stared at him. "Hey, don't approximate! And I'yard Draco Malfoy, by the way." He peered at them suspiciously. "You ARE Purebloods, right?"

"Hey, don't judge! And I'thousand Draco Malfoy, by the way."

Harry really went in that location. I am honestly kind of impressed at the sheer balls of the guy, and he'south ten... biologically. Mentally, he'due south like thirty-ish.

Uhh...

Sorry, JL.exe was currently rebooting subsequently processing the lolz of that. Let'south continue.

Wordlessly, Fred nodded.
George found his voice showtime. "YOU'RE Draco Malfoy?"

"You accept a trouble with that?" Harry crossed his arms.

"No, but…aren't your parents blonde?" he asked.

"Your point beingness?"

"How can ii blonde people have a black-haired son?" George asked reasonably.

"No, my mother was not having a very public affair with Severus Snape, how dare you lot even suggest that!" Harry screeched.

JL.exe has crashed. Would y'all like to send an mistake report?

Fred held upwardly his hands. "Calm down, he didn't mean to offend you."
"Well he did," Harry sniffed. "In fact, I'm going to write to father right now."

"Isn't he still at the platform?" George asked, perplexed.

"Yes he is, merely actually talking to your relatives is for half-bloods," and with that Harry stormed off, wondering how on earth he had managed to keep a directly face through that entire exchange. One matter he knew, though, was that he definitely would have the twins' respect later on they realized he'd tricked them.

Harry, you fuckboy, you lot.

"Hey, Mum, estimate what. Guess who we just met on the train," Harry heard Fred say.
"Who?" Molly asked.

"Draco Malfoy!"

"That's nothing, I met Harry Potter," Ginny told him, still sounding awestruck.

"Why'd y'all desire to meet a git similar him anyhow?" Ron asked.

Because he'southward famous for surviving a mad killer as an infant, Ron?

"Meeting him wasn't the interesting part," George explained.
"And then what was?" Ron asked.

"Apparently his mum and Snape were having an thing and he's the by-product!" Fred exclaimed.

"WHAT?" Molly asked. This is much better gossip than last year's 'Albus Dumbledore was madly in love with Gellert Grindelwald.' Honestly, you'd think Rita Skeeter would learn to stop making upwards such sensational stories. Obviously Dumbledore was struck speechless by the blatant lies and thus couldn't exist bothered to deny it.

"It'southward true, he practically admitted it," George confirmed.

"I've got to go find Andromeda," Mrs. Weasley muttered. "Exist proficient kids!" And with that she hurried away, Ginny trailing along backside her and casting longing looks dorsum at the Express.

Not equally shocking as Harry'south words but... all the same hilarious.

"Anyone sitting here?" Ron asked, entering Harry's compartment hesitantly.
"Nope, go ahead," Harry invited.

"Hey, Ron," George said, entering their compartment. "Listen, nosotros're going down the—Why are you sitting with Malfoy?"

"Malfoy?" Ron looked confused. "You mean him?" he gestured to Harry.

Fred nodded.

"Only that's not Malfoy, that'southward Harry Potter," Ron explained.

"What?" Fred asked. "But…only yous told us you were Draco Malfoy."

Harry shrugged. "What tin can I say? Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy…Sometimes I get confused."

And sometimes I create wonderful give-and-take on /b/.

AKA, Harry is total of shit, and it'due south hilarious.

"George, I call up we've been pranked," George said.
"Are offset years allowed to do that?" Fred wondered.

Harry just did.

"Does that mean that what you said about Snape'southward not truthful either?"
"It might be," Harry said neutrally. "Experience free to spread the rumor in any event."

Both twins' eyes lit upwards at this and they ran off down the hall. Harry felt slightly guilty for doing this when he was planning on making a sincere effort to not brand Draco Malfoy his arch-nemesis (considering honestly, if he actually wanted i that badly, there was always Voldemort), only then decided that since Draco had spread that same rumor about his female parent and Snape, turnabout was fair play.

Ooooh Harry.

"You're my hero," Ron blurted out.
"Because of my facial disfigurement?" Harry asked.

"No, considering you pranked Fred and George," Ron explained.

And I'm bold that defeat means friendship for the Twins.

At Harry's incredulous look, he hastened to add, "But your scar's pretty absurd, too."
"Yeah, it was really considerate of Voldemort to requite me such a wicked-looking scar when he attempted to brutally murder me as an infant," Harry said dryly.

Ron simply stared at him, fascinated and a little horrified. "You really shouldn't say his name, yous know."

"You know, the more people tell me that, the less likely I am to actually listen to them," Harry remarked casually.

Oh hey, information technology's like my stepdad when he tells me go a job when I've already spent the better part of a year looking for one.

Ron looked torn between the want to impress upon Harry the importance of not saying Tom Riddle'due south empty-headed trivial pseudonym and request more about the night the ii had met for the commencement fourth dimension. "Exercise you recollect information technology?"
"Yous practise realize I was xv-months-quondam at the time, right?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I know!" Ron defended, although his tone of voice indicated that he didn't seem to really grasp that Harry was far too young to have even properly remembered the event, much less actually play some surreptitious part in Voldemort'south downfall. "I but thought that you lot might remember because of the scar."

Now it was Harry'due south turn to stare. "You know, I'm starting to think that you lot people don't actually know anything about the mode that scars piece of work," he said, remembering how everyone had thought that his scar fabricated him a lying schizophrenic fifth year.

"What practice you hateful 'you people'?" Ron asked.

"You know, wizards," Harry explained.

"But you lot're a wizard," Ron pointed out.

"Yes, only I was raised past Muggles," Harry explained.

"What does that affair?" Ron asked.

Harry smiled at Ron's inability to comprehend why information technology would matter. He was then innocent back and then… "Muggles don't have magic and as such are forced to be much more sensible."

"Oh." Ron paused and looked expectantly at Harry.

Harry sighed. "And to answer your question, yeah, a little."

Remind me, wasn't there a HP fic with the very premise of 'sensibility' equally its core theme?

"What do you recall?" Ron asked eagerly. That was the annoying role about Ron being so innocent; he tended to have the tact of a troll. He'd gotten much better at not request such painful questions such equally what he remembered nearly the start time someone attempted to kill him later on he'd started dating Hermione.
"Well," Harry said, trying to piece together all the flashes he'd seen over the years. "I recollect someone who I assume is my begetter telling my mother to take me and go. Then there's laughing, someone who I assume is my mother begging Voldemort to spare my life, he tells her to stand aside and allow him kill me, she says no and asks him to kill her instead, he does, so there'southward a lot of green light and my forehead felt like it was on fire," Harry explained.

Now Ron looked horrified. "I'm sorry, mate, I didn't think-"

"Information technology's okay," Harry cut him off. He really SHOULD take thought, but then again, he was just eleven and, knowing Molly Weasley, living the most sheltered life imaginable. "Are all your family unit wizards?" Harry asked, quickly irresolute the discipline.

"Er – yes, I recollect so," said Ron. "I call back Mum'south got a 2nd cousin who'due south an auditor, just we never talk about him."

Harry froze. He couldn't believe he'd never realized that the starting time time around, but to be fair, he was only a child at the time. "Why non?"

Ron looked confused. "What exercise you mean?"

"Your accountant cousin, is he magical?"

"No," Ron replied, still non getting it.

"Is that why you don't talk almost him?" Harry asked.

"Er…" Conspicuously Ron had never thought virtually WHY they pretended they didn't have a Squib relative. Just like how the Dursely's liked to pretend that they didn't have a magician nephew. If the Weasley'south of all people could succumb to Pureblood prejudices like that, no wonder Voldemort'southward but real opposition came from vigilante groups who functioned more like Albus Dumbledore's personal cult in his quest to atone for helping Grindelwald all those years ago. Yet, the fact that Ron had never realized that his lack of magic was the reason they ignored their cousin was to his credit, and and then Harry supposed he couldn't really take his frustration with the lamentable state of the wizarding earth where anybody was prejudiced against everyone out on him. Not to mention that it would completely destroy any chance they'd have of being friends.

...AWKWAAAAAAAAAAARD!

"Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost one," Hermione said, entering the compartment, Neville trailing behind her.
"No, only yous could always summon information technology," Harry suggested.

"I don't know the spell for that," Hermione admitted, sounding embarrassed that she didn't know how to do a spell that they didn't teach for several more than years.

"Hither, I'll do it," Harry volunteered and took out his wand. "Accio Neville'due south toad!"

Nada happened for a moment and Hermione looked doubtfully at him. "Are you sure that'southward a real spell?"

Harry nodded. Oh, he was sure all right.

"Well, information technology's not very good, is-" only she was interrupted equally Trevor flew through the door. "Oh!"

Accio a shocked expression from Hermione.

Ron looked over at Harry, surprised. "If you knew how to summon his toad, why didn't you practice it the commencement time he was here?"
Because he'd wanted to encounter Hermione again and hopefully make a amend offset impression? "I guess I didn't think of information technology," Harry lied.

Also, considering the theme is that Harry knows everything, and is going to be like the Doctor about it: weird, merely unsafe.

"I've tired a few simple spells, too, just for exercise, and it's all worked for me. Nobody in my family unit'southward magic at all, it was ever such a surprise, merely I was so pleased, of course, I hateful, information technology's the best school of witchcraft there is."
"Then isn't it convenient that information technology but happens to exist the one geographically closest to wear nosotros live?" Harry muttered.

Hermione gave him a Look. "I've learnt all our gear up books by heart, of course, I but hope it will be enough – I'm Hermione Granger by the way, who are y'all?"

"I'm Ron Weasley," Ron finally managed to say after staring blankly at her for three whole minutes.

"Harry Potter," Harry told her.

"Are you lot really?" Hermione asked, curiously.

"What is it with people not having faith that I know my ain name?" Harry asked Neville, who just shrugged. "And Hermione, I didn't know that I was a wizard until I got my letter, because my relatives turn down to admit that magic exists, and Ron was telling me that at that place are enough of Muggle-borns around, so I'm sure you lot'll be fine. Besides, I doubt that anyone else actually bothered to memorize all of the textbooks, then I think that non just is it enough, you lot're manner ahead of everyone else."

"Really?" Hermione perked up.

"Actually," Harry confirmed. "Although, I did memorize our Potions textbook," he admitted.

Ron looked horrified at the thought of his potential best friend being a bookworm and scooted closer to Neville.

What's going on in Ron's head right now.

"But that's merely because I heard that our teacher hated my dad and I don't want to give him a reason to detest me," Harry speedily added. Non, of course, similar Snape would need a reason, simply at to the lowest degree he wouldn't embarrass him now with his beginning day surprise questions. Harry probably could have just looked upwardly those specific questions, but and then Snape might get mad and enquire him some more. Not to mention that information technology'd been years since his kickoff class with Snape and he honestly didn't fifty-fifty retrieve what the questions were or how many of them there were.
"Oh, that'south okay and so," Ron said, relaxing.

"Yous're in Modern Magical History and The Rise and Fall of the Night Arts, you know," Hermione told him.

"Well, I wouldn't believe everything you read," Harry told her, a chip uncomfortable.

"Why non?" Hermione asked.

"Because by this time tomorrow, the Daily Prophet AND Witch Weekly will have probably run a story on how Draco Malfoy is Narcissa Malfoy and Severus Snape'south love child," Harry told her.

And my approximate is that Draco will be pissed, as well as Lucius and his wife.

"I'm afraid I don't understand," Hermione frowned. "Who are-"
"Don't worry well-nigh it," Harry told her. "You'll discover out before long plenty."

Evil laughter optional.

"I guess I should be going, at present that y'all found Trevor," Hermione said, getting upward, Neville reluctantly following suit.
Ron, being xi, didn't find that they manifestly wanted to stay, only Harry did and his heart went out to his past and hereafter friends. "Hey, why don't you guys stay a while? Nosotros've got way besides much food; we need some help eating information technology."

Hermione beamed and sat right dorsum downward again.

"Cheers, Harry," Neville said quietly.

A curt while later, Draco Malfoy entered the compartment.

So, what'southward this about?

"Neville Longbottom," he proclaimed proudly.

Oh yep, Harry dared Draco to gauge his name.

Far off, pal.

"Uh, yes?" Neville asked, surprised.
"Non y'all," Draco told him. "Him," he said, pointing at Harry.

"Lamentable," Harry told him. "But that's Neville."

"Oh. Was I close?" he asked hopefully.

"How could you be shut? I'm either a Longbottom or I'yard not. Which, for the record, I'm not."

"Well, you could be related to him," Draco pointed out.

Harry snorted. "I probably am, due to all the inbreeding."

Shots fired.

Draco chose to ignore that, partly because he wanted to find out who Harry was (equally he had nearly probable spent the past calendar month obsessing most information technology) and partly because it was true. "And then who are you?"
"That's Harry Potter," Hermione said helpfully.

Draco laughed. "No, really, who is he?"

Harry just lifted his bangs upwardly.

"Wow, you lot ARE Harry Potter," Draco said, sounding a little astonished.

And I'm Carman Sandiego. Guess where I am!

"Yeah," Harry said, vaguely recalling something from his kickoff time around. "Weren't people talking near that?"
"Well, yes," Draco admitted. "But they were besides spewing the most ridiculous story about my beingness Professor Snape's lovechild."

"Really?" Harry asked innocently. "Wow, I guess people volition believe annihilation."

"Simply Harry," Hermione looked puzzled. "Didn't you already-"

"Know that people will believe anything?" Neville, surprisingly, cut her off; having figured out that Harry had started the rumor. "Yeah, he did, but he'southward been a celebrity for years, and then I suppose he would have."

"You're Draco Malfoy then?" Ron sniggered, his eleven-year-old maturity level finding the new rumor nearly him hilarious.

This will finish with Draco humiliating Harry, won't it?

Fortunately, Draco misinterpreted Ron'due south amusement. "Call back my proper noun's funny, do you?" Or perchance non so fortunately. "No need to ask who yous are. My father told me all the Weasley's take red hair, freckles, and more children than they tin can afford."
"Wow, that's oddly specific," Harry remarked. "I take information technology that your fathers' know each other? And are probably non on the best terms?"

Draco nodded. "You'd exist right, Potter. You lot'll shortly notice out that some wizarding families are much amend than others. You lot don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can assist yous there."

Harry groaned inwardly. It was like Malfoy was trying to go his enemy or something. Not, of course, that Harry could peradventure consider an xi-year-quondam male child his enemy, but he knew that his school years would become a LOT smoother with one less person out to destroy him. How to best handle this? He couldn't shake Malfoy's hand, of grade, but that would requite him the wrong thought AND amerce everyone else in the compartment. But how could he NOT shake it and still become out of a pointless seven-year rivalry?

Finally, he said, "I'm sure you could, Draco, but the matter is, I'm all the same new to this whole 'Magic is real' affair and and then I'm not sure if I could really make an informed choice at the moment. You wouldn't want me to option Ron just considering we bonded over candy and you thought I was Neville, practise you lot?"

Draco considered. "I guess not."

"And besides, I'd really, REALLY like to at least make it to school earlier alienating anyone," Harry said diplomatically. "And so maybe at some point I'll decide that you're right, Ron is the root of all evil, and take you upward on your offering of help. Possibly not. Only in the meantime, I all the same demand to figure out which of you is correct." Balderdash, he knew exactly who was right and who he would ultimately choose if either Malfoy or Ron forced his hand. But information technology was a pretty reasonable affair for someone who barely knew either of them to say.

"Alright," Draco agreed reluctantly. "But you'll soon come across that I'm correct." And with that he left, the bridge unburnt.

Well, Harry hasn't done anything stupid yet, and so that's a plus.

Note: Since people go on asking, let me clarify that I did not write scenes of Harry angsting about leaving behind the catechism universe or Ginny and his unborn child. If this bothers you, you tin feel gratuitous to imagine that he is doing information technology off-screen. In that location is an entire month betwixt him arriving and when the story picks up again when Harry gets on the train. For all nosotros know, he spends the entire month coming to term with what happened.

That cinches it, it'south a comedy.

And with that, we close off Ch. 2, and male child did Harry brand an impact on the Malfoys.

Oh God Not Again Chapter 1

Jesse Lee does a Let'south Read Fanfiction: Currently reading Oh God Not Again: A Harry Potter Fanfic

Bork Laser

The nearly electrifying contestant in poke-tainment.

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